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Monday, 10 November 2014

Normally, I always start posts with "Sorry I haven't posted" because I guess I just got bloggers block but this is something I've been wanting to write about for some time. Sure it might not fit in with my blog 'style' but I'm sort of tired of not writing what I really want to write about. I've never really felt ready to write this post until now.. at half 4 in the morning on a Sunday.

2 years is a long time to spend with someone. You become so used to them being there, and being so dependent on them for comfort and it was a huge issue for me that I never really realized I had until my recent breakup. I have learnt so much about mental health, about people, about myself that its sort of hard to put into words what I wanted this post to be about and honestly, I'm still not sure and I'll probably ramble my way through it.

Most of my teenage years I just stumbled my way through relationships, relying on other people for my own happiness and never really taking the time to appreciate myself or spend time alone, to figure myself out, my wants, aspirations.. just being an independent woman and all that jazz.
I think this made me selfish, and unappreciative of people I was in relationships with, I didn't cherish them in the way most people do, but mainly because I just didn't understand, or realize how much of an impact they had on me as a person because they were always there.

After the end of my last relationship, I honestly felt lost. I had invested so much time into 'mothering' my partner I hadn't taken any of my own issues into account. I was oblivious to my own problems, thought they didn't matter and I never open up to any-one. Not even my partner. After he had left, I wasn't really that bothered. My walls went up and I thought that it didn't really matter. I pushed all my feelings to the side and got on with the routine of my life because crying is for babies.
When I moved back to university, all my distractions were gone and I finally had to confront the emotions I had pushed away. I became incredibly aware of my social anxiety. I couldn't go into university without knowing somebody I knew was going in, like a child clinging to their mother. It was very strange and although I had experienced this last year (and became rather down) I didn't think this would be the root of my social anxiety and university issue because I didn't want to know.

So I did the whole clique of chocolates, ice creams and sad romance movies. I went out practically every night drowning my sorrows and filling myself with distractions so I wouldn't have to face the reality of my breakup. I wasn't ready to let go of my best friend. The person I had shared so much with, I literally clung to whatever was left of our relationship and I felt so alone.
I very rarely cry in front of people because I feel so embarrassed, but everything became too much for one little person to keep inside. I sobbed in my housemates arms, I deleted his number, social media and began the long process in loving myself.
I've started going to university on my own, cooking real food (even those veggies!) and just started looking after myself. Even shaving my legs helped, painting my nails and I started doing simple yoga in my bedroom. Sure it's still a long process and a different journey. But I'm happy that I'm on this path now. I've felt so much more healthier, but also I have so much time to myself. 
To learn what being alone is like, that its not a bad thing, it's not scary or socially frowned upon. It's not a huge storm cloud over my head anymore and if anything has come out of this break up, its a better me. It's a better sense of self and I'm thankful for that. For the first time in about 5/6 years I'm starting to like being on my own, use my time wisely, spend it with people who matter and make some lovely memories.

It's a new beginning, to a better me.

One of my favourite videos on being alone:

Picture sources:

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Hi! So after my long blogging leave, I'm back with a post I'm been meaning to write for quite some time. After ending my first year and being at home all summer I've had chance to reflect on the last year at university and memories I enjoyed and some I didn't so much. Maybe it will help some of you lovely freshers going off to university this year, what to prepare yourself for!

So firstly my university didn't have traditional halls last year, so as first years we had to go into a house straight away, which was extremely unnerving, and well super scary to think about. Unfortunately I didn't get my first choice at uni and so it was my second choice, although now I'm quite thankful as it isn't so far away from home, which I will write about later.

So meeting my housemates on Facebook, we got together and decided we should live together! (weird right..) So we all drove down and met up for the first time ever and went house hunting.. The only houses left, were well.. Pretty disgusting and gross. The house we ended up in, wasn't great. But it wasn't horrendous.. as far as student housing goes. But it was still pretty grim once you live in a house of 6 teenagers who have just left home.

My room was quite nice, it had big windows and it spacious enough to relax and chill. I spent most of my time... in my room. Which quite frankly I wish I hadn't. So anyway Fresher's started and we were out every night.. for 2 weeks. We did all the fancy events... All the clubs which brag about the great fresher crap they had going on and they were pants! One regret I did have was not looking out for all the special student union events they had on.. but for a small uni they obviously didn't have many.

House parties were a-plenty. We trashed our house most of the time, which isn't always the best thing to do when you have neighbors. But socially it's a good thing to get into.. being in clubs doesn't always give you the opportunity for conversation and I wish I spent more time doing that than being in the clubs for freshers. Not being in hall's didn't have its benefits.

I did become quite recluse after abit. I missed home more than I thought I would've. Which is why I was thankful for only being 2 hours away. I spent alot of time in my room, watching netflix and just generally being a slob. I wasn't enjoying my course, I wasn't really spending time with any of the people on my course and I became quite down and depressed.. and well, down in the dumps. I've learnt family are my rock and have really helped me through these times in particular.

This led me to become quite anxious about leaving the house, about meeting new people and creating opportunities, I stayed in bed and I was miserable all the time. It wasn't until I had to redo a failed unit plus all my new coursework that I stepped up my game and thought 'lets just get it over with'
At my lowest point I really considered leaving university, maybe it's not for me.. maybe I just can't get used to this whole new experience. Because it's not just leaving to study. It's a huge life change, you're plunged in with a bunch of people you don't know, so social skills play a huge part in student life. Using those nearly everyday, whilst trying to learn about living on your own and all these random new things that keep appearing, you're constantly learning. Although sometimes stressful, I believe that the whole experience of university is a huge life skill. Not just academically or slobbing around but, learning to live with new people, money management, time management. It's a huge step in growing up.

I think I've done quite a fair bit of growing up this last year, and although I'm nervous about returning back to my course and my new shiny house and friends, I'm really pumped to make the most of the 2 years I have left. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but I'm looking forward to pushing myself.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Hello people,

My lack of blogging has just been at an all time low at the moment, I've been back at home from university, I've officially moved out and handed back my keys in preparation for moving into my next house, a much better one at that. Now I'm at home I have been making some big changes to my lifestyle which I have mainly been focusing on instead of being online 24/7.

I have cut out most of the junk food I eat.
I am a mcdonalds addict and giving up mcdonalds is actually really hard, as bad as that sounds.. It's just so easy for me to drive up and go pick up a delicious chicken legend, or a maccies breakfast. But I've totally cut it out.

I've also quit smoking! Yippee! I'm really proud of myself and I don't even think about it anymore. I even gave away a fresh pack of ciggies I found in my uni room to my housemate and I was really happy that I did! I never thought I was addicted until I got cranky and had big mood swings. But everything's great and I'm glad I won't be clogging up my lungs anymore.

I've actually started doing yoga. Last week I gave it a go and absolutely loved it! It's such a nice exercise to do and is perfect for me to start getting into something postive.

As you can see I've been taking some time out to reflect on myself, better myself and just create a much better, well.. me! Spending less time online and more time on myself is improving my lifestyle, I'm much happier.

As for my blog, I'm not sure what I'm doing right now, I guess I'm on abit of a blog hiatus, I'm not sure what I want my blog to be anymore, I'm still figuring that out. But once I do I'll be back :)


Wednesday, 9 July 2014

So this is a long awaited post of my visit to Download Festival. Luckily this year I was given the opportunity to work Uprawr's merch stand which was great fun and as I missed Download last year, it was such a great experience to re-live all over again. So here's what I got up to on my weekend!

1. My lovely wristband was green and plain and boring (tehe) but it was free so who can complain *shrug*
2. Fraser cooking us some delicious burgers..
3. The lovely little Uprawr tent!
4. Skindred! Last time I saw them they were on the second stage, so it was great to see them on the main stage.

1. My little brothers first Download! - he was lucky enough to get given tickets from his college, it was a total surprise, but was great to share his first festival with him!
2. Me & Fraser in our little tent
3. Policeman Selfie! The policeman put his hat on me haha, such a great picture.
4. The Pretty Reckless were great and I was right by the front!

1. Kirsty, me & Nesbitt at Download during Bowling For Soup.. (I think)
2. Our mingin' expensive breakfast in the village at 5am. It was truly disgusting.
3. Aerosmith! My favorite of the whole weekend, it was the end of shifts and it was such a relief to just go nuts!
4. Me, finally at home after a long, un-showered weekend, lovely right?

So that was my weekend, glamorous right!
Hope you enjoyed this (different) post
I'm hoping to start up my youtube again soon!